VII.  Odds and Ends
Garden Shredder
(Written when Frodo was three months old.)  FOR SALE GARDEN SHREDDER Entire   gardens   demolished   in   15   minutes.   Flower   beds   dug   assiduously   (also   lawns). Well    established    plants    uprooted.    Roses    pruned    in    and    out    of    season.    Livestock expertly   chewed   (eg   snails;   also   any   people   within   range).   Birds   and   cats   chased   out. Ornamental   arbours   carefully   decorated   from   our   extensive   range   of   strangled   flower pots,   unemployed   curtain   rails,   retired   J-cloths,   dismembered   egg-boxes,   rotten   sticks and rubber toys. Ponds emptied. Also    works    indoors.    Antique    furniture,    particularly    tasselled,    a    speciality.    Knobs gnawed.   Offices   rearranged   without   your   needing   to   be   present.   Waste   paper   and laundry   baskets   emptied   regularly   every   half   hour.   Toilet   rolls   unravelled   to   save   you the   trouble.   Telephone   leads   shortened   to   reduce   phone   bills.   Beer   cans   punctured   to reduce pressure. Unsightly tea towels removed once and for all free of charge. All yours for £5 (or whatever you will accept). Please apply to Martin or Barbara (reference "Frodo").   MBM, B/W 22.7.99.  (Parish magazine of St John the Baptist, Purbrook, October 1999)